Let's Chat

Being R U OK? day I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to chat to you about my personal experience with mental health issues. I suffer from chronic anxiety and struggle with panic attacks that when severe lead to agoraphobia. I am able to leave the house, but don't want to be too far from home and not for long. This is where I am at currently, even at home my "safe place", I have been getting at least one panic attack a day lately. At least...

The panic attacks started to become a regular occurrence in my life when I was around 30, over 10 years ago. What triggered them? The only thing I can recall from that point in my life was that I had a week of migraines (I get headaches, but never migraines). Was it hormones that tipped me over the edge? I really don't know. My genetics aren't in my favour with mental illness on both sides of my family. Without going into too much detail, my upbringing was abusive (physically). From what I understand these combinations make for the perfect recipe to develop anxiety/depression. Lucky me, right?

I remember when I first got panic attacks I really thought I was going insane, until I read "Insane people don't think they're insane." Made sense to me! After googling symptoms, I came to the conclusion that I was having panic attacks. Of course, I also went to a doctor, I also got counselling and tried medication. Counselling was good for speaking about what I was going through, but I really think seeing a therapist who specialises in anxiety would be a better option. Medication was not for me and I am a bit jealous of those that medication does help!

After years of fighting and trying to avoid a panic attack, which is only a natural response, I didn't realise that I was just making myself worse. I seem to be in a never ending cycle of panic attack and worrying about a panic attack. Well, don't think about it, you might say, but what if I told you not to think about a rabbit, see what I mean? Now compound that with something you are petrified of. I have periods of time where I just want to escape my body. Can you imagine not being able to trust yourself, not being able to quieten your mind of negative thoughts that just feed your fear. I remember a friend saying to me "Well, just relax". That's like saying to an asthmatic "There's plenty of air, just breathe". My friend had a panic attack during giving birth, she then understood and said she would never want to have another one. A panic attack that is, lol.

Only recently I discovered the book Panic Attacks Work Book by David Carbonell and I so wish I had found this book years ago. He explains that you need to do the opposite of what your instincts are telling you to do. Not try and stop it, but accept it and ride the wave of panic. He also explains ways of making the process manageable like deep breathing. Easier said than done, believe me, but it's a process. If I can grasp this theory, I'm sure my life will be much better, I would be able to live again. Ten years of thinking a certain way is going to take time to reverse, but the work will be worth it.

What I will say is apart from exercise and deep breathing, I've just started knitting and already I am finding the distraction of using my hands to be so helpful. Just today I went for a ride on my bike, sat by the river and was able to knit for 30 minutes. Huge for me! Last Friday I tried the same thing, had a panic attack and could only bear 10 minutes and the panic only started to recede when I left for home. Today I felt anxious, but sat through it, then after a few minutes, it all disappeared. I was overcome with emotion and cried tears of joy.

Please know if you suffer from anxiety it's not your fault, you are not weak, For a long time, I didn't think that I deserved to get better because I was too weak and scared, I've felt guilty because I haven't been there for my family like I feel I should have. These feelings are not productive and frankly not true.

If I've made someone less lonely, I am happy because I know how alone I can often feel. 

R U OK? Please don't suffer in silence. I have been talking more openly with people I'm close to and it really does help. No one is judging me, like I thought could be the case. Besides, as Dr Suess says "Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."